HAFT Characters
HEROES
Spartan Team Monkey Pirate-Five (MP-5)
United Nations Space Corps (Navy)
Based in Cressida Colony Five, Galatea
Team Leader: John-617 (Green)
Years ago, John-617 teamed with Steve in a botched mission against Higgins at Colony Omega-7. John had a past romantic relationship with Six. Catch phrase: “It’s a trap.” John was apparently killed during a gunfight in space with Jill-the-clone, but was reanimated by his BNL-LS upgraded armor and became a zombie with cravings for human brains.
(Not to be confused with John-117)
Lois-312 (female - Pink).
Communications expert.
Minored in dentistry.
Likes pink. Loves Steve.
Not a particularly observant woman, Lois was considering marriage to Steve long before she noticed he was an alien. Lois ventured to the Astral Plane when Dr. Higgins entrapped her in a suspended-animation chamber. It was in the Astral Plane that she received orders to return to the real world to become an oracle for a mysterious godlike figure that strangely resembles Simon Le Bon or possibly a young David Hasselhoff. Since this experience, Lois has an unfortunate tendency to blurt out predictions which apparently make no sense. She also had a one-night stand with Jason.
Betty-213 (female - Purple)
Lois’s best friend. Betty does NOT carry a rocket launcher. Betty loves the Canadian “Cent Cenq” but can’t speak French. This has not stopped her from making wedding arrangements.
Claude-212 (Purple) Betty’s fraternal twin, second-in-command on team MP-5. Weapons specialist. Always carries a rocket launcher. Always. Likes to blow stuff up. Also likes cats.
Tony-1337 (Blue/White) Tech and slipspace expert. Tony was a MP-5 liason to the NC-A2 team (see below) when they went MIA on mission to investigate Dr. Higgins. Harbors a crush on Six. Hides large numbers of weapons on his person. Loves pie.
Brad-206 (Teal) Munitions. Pilot. Photographs better than Ken. Rumored to be the fourth Summers brother. Secretly yearns to open a hotdog stand in the Louisiana-Sony-RJReynolds Republic.
Ken-906 (White) Medic. Detachable bionic arm which allows him to administer advanced medical aid on the field and discreetly play Solitaire when no one is looking.
Roman Team Ninja Canuck-Alpha (NC-A)
United Nations Space Corps (Air Force)
Based in Cold Lake, Alberta
Canadian-Microsoft Hegemony, Old Earth
Team NC-A uses Roman Numerals
Team Leader: Penthesilea “Six”-VI (female - Red Mark V armor) Tough as nails, Six has a romantic history with John-617 (involving a child) and is also Jason’s younger sister. Catch phrase: “Shut up, Dix.” Has a penchant for revenge. Really good with a shotgun.
Jason-VII (Green - Mark V armor) Six’s older brother, Jason-VII was apparently killed by Dr. Higgins when in reality the villain only placed him in suspended animation. Jason met Lois on the Astral plane and has been told by a mysterious man that he has an important role to play in the future. Jason was previously Team NC-A’s leader but he’s allowed Six to retain command until he can figure out what is going on.
Tristan “Dix”-DIX (Red/White) . Dix seems to annoy Six. Dix disappeared mysteriously after the teams returned from their encounter with Dr. Higgins. There is some speculation that he started playing World of Warcaft.
Nicolas “Cent Cinq”-CV (Red/Grey) Speaks French. Likes Snow. Loves Betty.
Rhonda-XX (female - color?) KIA. Twice. Rhonda was a member of Jason and Tony’s team that was captured by Dr. Higgins. Unlike her comrades, Rhonda was killed by Higgins, only to be reanimated by her BNL-LS armor upgrade into a horrible potato-like zombie. Rhonda had been in a relationship with Jason, and even as a zombie, she retained enough love for him to sacrifice herself on his behalf.
Wallace “Wally” CMLXXV (male- color?) - KIA A resurrected Spartan zombie killed by Rhonda.
Other Heroes
Steve O’Hara AKA “Weapon-L” (Blue Elite when Steve, White Elite when Weapon L): An alien orphan raised by Canadian Mounties, Steve spent time with Roman forces in an experimental program codenamed “Weapon L”. He will not speak of his time as an experimental subject, but he has retained a crippling fear of maple syrup and Celine Dion. His lifelong dreams of being a concert flautist have been crushed by his alien jaw anatomy. When he was involuntarily transformed into Weapon L he developed a speech impediment and it is now almost impossible for him to say the letter “L”. When enraged, he has 60% chance to sound like Scooby-Doo, reducing his Attack Power by up to 2d6. He is driven by his love for Lois and loyalty to his enormously tall mother (Colonel O’Hara) and Admiral Norris. Catch phrase: “Don’t call me dude.”
Steve’s mom (Colonel Barbarella O’Hara) (female, Red Mountie uniform or pink Spartan armor): Royal Canadian Mountie, Olympic Gold Medalist, and black ops specialist, Steve’s mom was presumed dead after a carefully staged death in which the Weinermobile she was driving was vaporized by the freeze-dried remains of Tycho Brahe’s fossilized pet moose as it plummeted to earth in a defunct orbiting satellite. Is unusually tall. Was working with the MIB but betrayed them when she witnessed their cruelty to Jason. Has a secret romantic relationship with Admiral Norris
Grand Admiral “Chuck” Norris (no armor necessary): Commander of Sector Prime UNSC Forces. His presence alone keeps the galaxy from falling into military conflict and chaos. He digs Colonel O’Hara. He eats punks like you for breakfast.
David-411 (white): Admiral Norris’s trusted advisor and head of the elite Spartan guard (all of whom are in white armor) that serve on Norris’s flagship, The Aletheia.
VILLAINS
The Gang of Megalomaniacal Evil Rogues (G.O.M.E.R.)
Dr. Edwin “E.H.” Higgins (Wrinkly, sits in hoverchair, wears cheesy crown- deceased?): Sinister Super-Villain, head of G.O.M.E.R., bent on controlling sector Prime. Dr. Higgins’s previous attempt to control Colony Omega-7 was thwarted by Team MP-5 and Agent Steve O’Hara but with terrible civilian losses. Ugly twin of Admiral Norris. His shared psychic bond with Norris allowed him to move outside the Admiral’s “Norris-sense”. Had personal grudge against David Hasselhoff. Loved Kenny G and Celine Dion. Killed by Six when he attempted to destroy Earth and the Io and Europa colonies and claimed to have killed her brother Jason.
The Twins: Small Creepy Minions. Possibly cyborgs. Speak in only “leet” 1337-speak and always want free gold. Share one pair of shoes. Are not old enough to get a puppy. Although they were minions of Dr. Higgins, Admiral Norris rescued them after his destruction and they are currently in detention in the Tom Cruise Scientology Center for Rehabilitation of Juvenile Supervillain Minions.
Jill (female, pink): Inevitably evil clone of Lois-312. Catch phrase: “Kill, Daddy-O! Kill!” By impersonating Lois, Jill maneuvered her way onto The Aletheia where she jump-started Steve’s transformation into Weapon L, intent on using him to kill Admiral Norris. Due to the timely intervention of Steve’s mom, Admiral Norris fought off Weapon L and roundhouse-kicked Jill so hard that her body destroyed all three of Dr. Higgin’s orbiting weapons platforms in the solar system and knocked a escape pod containing a team of Spartans out of harm’s way when the weapons exploded. Jill made a final brief appearance to shoot John, but was then flung into the depths of space by Steve.
The Men in Black (MIB)
The Men in Black are black ops specialists first appearing in Series Two. Bent on discovering the secret to raising the dead and exerting control over the soldiers of the Spartan program, they have amassed a large fighting force which is operates secretly outside the boundaries of the law. Prefer the cold. Always wear black. Have a mean streak.
Michael “Blackie” Black (Black): Leader of the MIB, Black served as a respected head of the Office of Naval Intelligence for many years until the day his wife was killed by pirates and their twin children were abducted into slavery. Overcome by a thirst for revenge, he took over the MIB, vowing to go to any means necessary to rid the galaxy of the criminals and other enemies of humanity, which he has come to view as any non-humans. Has a creepy hairdo fetish and penchant for cheerleaders. Also enjoys tennis and long walks by the beach.
UNKNOWN MOTIVATIONS
The Mysterious Man Who Vaguely Resembles Simon Le Bon or possibly a young David Hasselhoff
The Mysterious Man The ruler of the astral plane, the mysterious man sent Jason-VII and Lois-312 back to the land of the living. He’s told Lois she is his oracle, and that Jason is essential for some important plan. Other details are unclear.